My life has changed

Our First Family Picture on My Wedding Day

12/04/2009

So I went to Primary Children's Hospital to pick up a Rx for Ashy and I have to say that life is really good. I thought about everything that we have been throught the last 10 months and I realize that we are a very lucky family. I went to Church sunday and it was so beautiful, the feeling I had was so wonderful. I am not sure that I could describe in words how truly beautiful I felt in my heart. I was crying from all the wonderful stories people were sharing it was just so touching. I have felt for the longest time that I always take never give. But I think for the first time I truly felt that it was okay that I am giving to others because they truly feel the spirit when they give. So I have a whole new perspective of what it is to recieve and to embrace the love and spirit I am recieving. I also Feel that I have grown tremendously. What a beautiful ward we have I know in my heart that the LDS faith is the only one out there I know that all that has ever came out of attending church has been good. I am so grateful to God for showing me this, I know the spirit I feel is a true confirmation that I am doing right by my family and I want to open my heart to feel this everyday.

You know I have noticed that I am growing so much mentally I am so happy. The struggles that I have been through honestly I would do it again it has taught me so much about myself. I mean 2 years ago I was crying everyday I was so unhappy and I was running on empty my life felt like I was not really living I was just going through the motions of life breathing, eating and just sleeping. I am not sure I was living my life at all I was confused I was lost and I was angry. If you were to ask me: Joanna what if one of your kids got really sick what would you do I would tell you that I would not beable to do it, I would also say that I would give up on everything. But it has happened my daughter Ashlynn at 2 years old was diagnosed with a very scary life threatning disease. Even when the doctors came and told me that she was sick; I know I had someone holding my hand, a spirit maybe even Jesus. Because I never broke down and cried uncontrollably I just felt that everything would be okay. I knew that God would never give me a challenge that I could not handle. I mean it has been so difficult, dont get me wrong but it has taught me so much about life. I know I love Charles more because of this, he was there holding my hand and getting up with Ashlynn every other night. He was there as a father as a supporter and I know I would of never let him in my heart had I not gone through this.

So I hear alot people say things that surprise me when they go through tuff times. They usually say if I could turn back time I think I would not change anything about what I have been through because I have grown so much as a result. That is the way I feel I mean I know that I would never appreciate where I am at today had I not gone through everything in my past.

I just married Charles Friday December 4, 2009 I know that man was sent from God to me I have prayed every day for a man just like him. It took me some time to appreciate him and to realize how really special he truly was. When Ash was so sick and I was so exhausted he knew it and helped me every inch of the way. He was what a true man is!!

My ex husband Seth was so impatient and he never helped me, he believed a woman should do everything by herself to take on all household responsibilities and to be the mother the everything while he went to work and came home he would sit there expecting me to care for him as well. I was exhausted unhappy and miserable. I could not believe Marriage could be so hard I hated marriage, I was baffled people were actually doing this and they were still okay mentally. If I was not doing it 100% he would tell me that I basically sucked.

I remember just having Emily she was 4 weeks old, he went to work and I cleaned the entire house and vacuumed did the dishes it was so clean. I was folding laundry(one of the worst chores) and he came home and started to yell at me saying the house was not perfect. Because the laundry was on the back of the couch folded. He never kissed me and said the house looked good, instead he threw my folded laundry off of the couch because he wanted to sit down and watch television. I was devastated I was hurt I went to my room and i cried and cried. He never went into the room to check on me to say sorry instead he walked in told me to shut up and to quit feeling so sorry for myself. He also wanted me to get dinner on the table right away.

When I think about those things that is only half of the trauma i went through being married. I could go on and on. But life is so much better now I have a husband who loves me supports me he helps me when he gets home he knows I am flawed yet he wants me to know how much he appreciates me. He is definatly a rare man and I am happy to have him as my husband. I love My family Thank You God for giving me this opportunity I am so happy........