It has been so long since my last post

I have been so crazy life has been hectic. My daughter is waking up nightly crying and puking until the morning. She tosses and turns and she just seems so unhappy alot. I am really depressed and I have been feeling so blue! I have never been so stressed out in my life I feel so on the edge. My eldest was doing so well: He then decided to stop going to church to stop believing in the LDS religion, he believes but he just says they try to control him to much. I want him to get back to his faith I worry that was the only thing keeping him sane and he just is so far off from where he was one year ago. I feel like I am losing my self and I need to find something to make me happy. I just cry everyday from stress of life and choices I have made and I just dont know if life will ever get any easier because it never does. I have so many dreams and the years go by and they all seem to disapate.. I am so scared that if my son struggles after I thought he was throught the hard part that everyone will too and I just can't comprehend handling it all the time. I love my kids so much I just think I am not mentally able to handle all of this and it is so crazy. I dont know I hear other mothers say they are taking their kids to ball practice, wrestling matches and Karate. I can't afford these luxuries for my kids I want to do this so bad they deserve it and I wish I had the money to do it. I just feel like my mother all over again never having enough money always crying poverty, I never wanted to be her (financial her) I just wanted to be the strong survivor.

My life has changed

Our First Family Picture on My Wedding Day

12/04/2009

So I went to Primary Children's Hospital to pick up a Rx for Ashy and I have to say that life is really good. I thought about everything that we have been throught the last 10 months and I realize that we are a very lucky family. I went to Church sunday and it was so beautiful, the feeling I had was so wonderful. I am not sure that I could describe in words how truly beautiful I felt in my heart. I was crying from all the wonderful stories people were sharing it was just so touching. I have felt for the longest time that I always take never give. But I think for the first time I truly felt that it was okay that I am giving to others because they truly feel the spirit when they give. So I have a whole new perspective of what it is to recieve and to embrace the love and spirit I am recieving. I also Feel that I have grown tremendously. What a beautiful ward we have I know in my heart that the LDS faith is the only one out there I know that all that has ever came out of attending church has been good. I am so grateful to God for showing me this, I know the spirit I feel is a true confirmation that I am doing right by my family and I want to open my heart to feel this everyday.

You know I have noticed that I am growing so much mentally I am so happy. The struggles that I have been through honestly I would do it again it has taught me so much about myself. I mean 2 years ago I was crying everyday I was so unhappy and I was running on empty my life felt like I was not really living I was just going through the motions of life breathing, eating and just sleeping. I am not sure I was living my life at all I was confused I was lost and I was angry. If you were to ask me: Joanna what if one of your kids got really sick what would you do I would tell you that I would not beable to do it, I would also say that I would give up on everything. But it has happened my daughter Ashlynn at 2 years old was diagnosed with a very scary life threatning disease. Even when the doctors came and told me that she was sick; I know I had someone holding my hand, a spirit maybe even Jesus. Because I never broke down and cried uncontrollably I just felt that everything would be okay. I knew that God would never give me a challenge that I could not handle. I mean it has been so difficult, dont get me wrong but it has taught me so much about life. I know I love Charles more because of this, he was there holding my hand and getting up with Ashlynn every other night. He was there as a father as a supporter and I know I would of never let him in my heart had I not gone through this.

So I hear alot people say things that surprise me when they go through tuff times. They usually say if I could turn back time I think I would not change anything about what I have been through because I have grown so much as a result. That is the way I feel I mean I know that I would never appreciate where I am at today had I not gone through everything in my past.

I just married Charles Friday December 4, 2009 I know that man was sent from God to me I have prayed every day for a man just like him. It took me some time to appreciate him and to realize how really special he truly was. When Ash was so sick and I was so exhausted he knew it and helped me every inch of the way. He was what a true man is!!

My ex husband Seth was so impatient and he never helped me, he believed a woman should do everything by herself to take on all household responsibilities and to be the mother the everything while he went to work and came home he would sit there expecting me to care for him as well. I was exhausted unhappy and miserable. I could not believe Marriage could be so hard I hated marriage, I was baffled people were actually doing this and they were still okay mentally. If I was not doing it 100% he would tell me that I basically sucked.

I remember just having Emily she was 4 weeks old, he went to work and I cleaned the entire house and vacuumed did the dishes it was so clean. I was folding laundry(one of the worst chores) and he came home and started to yell at me saying the house was not perfect. Because the laundry was on the back of the couch folded. He never kissed me and said the house looked good, instead he threw my folded laundry off of the couch because he wanted to sit down and watch television. I was devastated I was hurt I went to my room and i cried and cried. He never went into the room to check on me to say sorry instead he walked in told me to shut up and to quit feeling so sorry for myself. He also wanted me to get dinner on the table right away.

When I think about those things that is only half of the trauma i went through being married. I could go on and on. But life is so much better now I have a husband who loves me supports me he helps me when he gets home he knows I am flawed yet he wants me to know how much he appreciates me. He is definatly a rare man and I am happy to have him as my husband. I love My family Thank You God for giving me this opportunity I am so happy........

Thanksgiving

Ashlynn had treatment on Monday she is doing really well I actually took a video of her getting the treatment. Her nurses have been really wonderful Amy is the one I remember she is amazing and the front office staff is also amazing Sandra is the receptionist she is so understanding. I am grateful for all of the positive people in my life and I appreciate them for all the effort they are giving everyday God bless everyone. I also was informed by my releif society President Sonya she is going to try and have everyone help me for Christmas. That is also someone I am truly grateful for is the people in my Ward they really reach out to those who need it and they do it because they love people truly love with all there heart. God bless them as well, I love you for caring I truly do....

I am going to also blog about the others in my family and how they are effected by Ashlynns sickness

Thanksgiving really turned out well we had a quiet dinner at home and lots of pies...I am glad that I met Charles He really is a great guy and my life is really complete with him. I went to church last weekend. They had mentioned that life is so different when you are alone. I admit it has been so difficult when i was doing this by myself. we still have struggles I do not know sometimes how we continue to survive but we do. Everyday is a new challenge I just think that I have it all figured out then life hands me a curve ball.

I get this call yesterday and a voice says Hi this is Ryan from The Department of Family Services, I need you to return my call as soon as possible about some charges that could be pending against you. Well naturally I am completely shocked and the first thing I do is call him back. He says someone has called them to report that my son George (who is 5 years old) has claimed that he is being punched in the face by someone in the house. Naturally I was shocked and said that he is more than welcome to come into my house to investigate.

This guy arrives this morning at 8:00 am and I completely forgot he was coming. He came in and said he wanted to talk to all the kids so he took each one and went upstairs and talked to them. I guess whomever turned me in said that Charles punches him in the face. Well I have to laugh because Charles is the sweetest man in the world and would never even lay a pinky on my kids. My kids love him so much and they have said the only time Charles has ever touched him is when He tickles them. George said "Charles tickles me and it makes me mad." Well the guy gets ready to leave and says to me "oh and another thing they also said he never eats, bathes and wheres the same clothes for weeks". So I look at him and said well I have prob 3 pair of pants for him and he wears a different shirt everyday, but school is right after lunch we are always rushing him to eat and he may spill things on himself...Not to mention he does rush to the bus someimes with his lunch in his hands so he may not get his face washed before going to school. So the guy says well I am closing the case and he leaves.

The meantime I am just like thinking I know his teacher is the one that said something she first of all has had the hardest time with George from day one she tried to kick him out of Kindergarten; she has told me time and time again how frustrated she is with him. I have tried to work with George he is very difficult and hard headed. He is a really negative boy who seems to always say WO is me attitude. He is also very literal he talks about the devil alot (his dad is always talking about the devil to him even though I insist he not). Just Sunday he was telling me that the whole valley is going to be flooded I looked at him and said George it is not and he insisted he saw it on the news. I dont know maybe when his dad took him he saw it on TV somewhere.
You know alot of times when Cancer happens it affects the entire family, not just the sick ones but the healthy ones to. George used to cry all the time saying that Ashlynn gets all the attention and gifts. I think his Physycee is effected more than I think. So I am going about my day today and I just start getting so upset my blood starts to boil and I just thought I need to talk to someone so I called my sister Sherrie I called her she always has good advice for me. But when I start to tell her I realize that I am more upset than I knew; I started to cry and she is like Joanna if that person knew you she would know better how great of a mother you truly are. Hell when you were a single mother you never gave up on your kids and you worked fulltime lived in homeless shelters to keep them together. You are truly the bravest, most amazing mother that has ever lived if anything you should be given an award for the best mother of this century, you are great. I cried and cried because being a mother is what I pride myself in and for someone to have that perspective of me really did hurt more than I ever knew.
So I am sitting here just amazed that there are thousands and thousands of children being abused mentally, Physically and emotionally but someone out there decided to turn me in a mother who has never given up on her kids. Who has loved her kids to death, has had a child with cancer (helping her baby with all her daily pain and trauma) has strived to be better everyday.
But Whoever this person is decided to choose me to turn me in wow it is really sick and wrong. You know that I have been told by my family and friends that they cannot believe how amazing I am and how truly lucky my kids are to have me as a mom. I guess I will remember those words for now on.....So whoever you are If you knew me you would only wish you could be as great as I am I was a single mother with 6 children living in a Homeless Shelter and had an ex husband who abused me everyday he had chance...I have been through hell and back and if anything I should be worshiped for my success.

sorry no update for a while

So we have really good news my baby Ashlynn is in remission she has no cancer cells in her blood. With Leaukemia it tends to come back so the treatment will continue until 2011. Her hair is starting to grow back and it is so thick the medications she is taking daily is 6mp, septra, methotrexate and Dexomethesone. She is also having the treatment Vincristine once a month thru her port at the hospital. She is so happy and her color looks amazing she has the best attitude she smiles more and loves me every second. I have continued to stay positive about everything I am so happy that her progress has bee so wonderful. I think the fact that she has had no sickness has been enlightning I have heard other parents struggle with the daily fevers and hospitalizations. I am going to throw the biggest party for her when we are done with the treatment......Thanks everyone for your support

Its been 6 months and 11 days since the diagnosis

What a whirlwind it has been my little sweetie is doing so good. She seems to be up in spirits and I am scheduled to have a treatment on the 10/07/2009 she will have her treatment and a Lumbar Puncture. You know they do a LP on her about every 2 weeks, in the process of pulling the fluid out of her spine they inject her with Chemo in the spinal cord. This is because they have found that when Leukemia is returning that it usually will hide in the spinal cord and cause brain cancer. I really enjoy the Primary Childrens Hospital they all seem to really care.

Well this will be the very first time I have left Ashlynn I am going to a sister retreat with my sisters. I am excited going to Lake Tahoe this will be an experience I have needed for a few I cant wait leaving tommorow.

I am so bugged because of my ex husband and sometimes I wish that I could collect child support from him this would make things alot easier. Well I am done with this blog have a wonderful day thanks for reading.

it has been a while

I havent been keep ing up with he blog maybe because I have 6 kids and Ashlynn is like having 6 more. She lost her hair and My eldest son shaved his head to support her. She has not had to have Chemo for 2 weeks she is so happy when she does not have treatment. We are going to go to Lagoon this weekend and I want her to have a great time. Here are some of the pics that we did these past few weeks....

This week

Well so far it has been a roller coaster my Job fired me because they said I had to come back and I could not come back yet. She is so unpredictable she has such good days but when she is bad days I want to just cry. I am so scared for her each day because I really question how she is feeling. She has just learned to communicate but all she says is owwie and points all over her body. That makes me think she is in pain every where. I want her to experience a wonderful life I really wonder what kind of quality this will bring her. I worry about my other kids they seem to wonder when I am going to beable to get out of my house and spend the summers like we used to camping, swimming etc. I wonder how much of a permanentl psychological effect this has on her. I know something I am more prayerful and thankful. Thanks for reading.....